Cryptophysics

WASHINGTON DC—It has recently come to light that a lesser-known part of the Crypto Wars in the mid 90s was fought over whether the universe has to allow humanity to understand its secrets, or if it can obscure them.

The seminal 1927 case United States v. Universe upheld the privacy rights of subatomic particles, allowing them to obscure their momentum-position by at least \(\frac{\hbar}{2}\) at all times. At the time, this seemed a huge victory for strong particulate privacy advocates like Werner Heisenberg. However, the extent of the multiple precedents set in that case have come into question amidst recent concerns that cryptography is among the most dangerous forms of weaponry.

While no backdoors are currently publicly known, a universal spokeperson said that reality would be doubling down on quantum spookiness in an effort to fend off any would-be attackers or theoretical physicists.

The NSA did not reply to a request for comment, but we’re sure they’re reading our emails. All of our emails.

(It was later shown through leaks dispersed by Edward Photon, among others, that groups like the NSA and CERN were tracking massive amounts of particle movement data without consent.)